erika: (quotes: too fucking busy)
[personal profile] erika
This winter I appear to be bouncing back and forth between sane/numb erika and crazy/happy/moody erika.

Sane/numb erika are Abilify days.

Today is not an Abilify day.

When I take it, I lose my creativity, and some part of my intelligence. Maybe my curiosity... maybe something less tangible that happens when you go from being in full command of your intellectual faculties and then suddenly only have 80% control.

But I'm not crippled by overwhelming anxiety and suffering.

As I said to a friend, "it's like Sophie's fucking Choice up in here."




I go through. I continue. Persevere. I have learned the meaning of those words. To keep an intimate relationship, I keep more things to myself, and I have learned the value of privacy to understand the currency of communication.

Communication disseminates information and can easily lead to intimacy, and therefore is an important as hell part of the work in relationships itself.

In a fact that will surprise no one who knows my parents, the communication skills I learned growing up are largely limited to threats and control-freak manipulative behavior.

It's been a real fucking pleasure to have to learn to express needs like an adult. If I were in charge of The Force, it would be vulnerability that leads to the Dark Side, so that's been a real fucking challenge, too.

(That having been said, it's still unclear to me why I haven't been journalling. Just haven't had the time, really, I suppose. More entries, but shorter than the norm seems likely.)

Actually talking to your partner is fucking important, evidently. I would say who knew, but let's be honest, everyone but me did.




Esperanza. But I won't wait, while I hope. I fight, I scheme, I build, I try my best. I do it every day, and it doesn't get any easier, but at least it hasn't gotten worse. And I like the results.

Carve it on my fucking tombstone. it's not quite Dorothy Parker*, but "She always tried her best" will do.

*Wherever she went,
including here,
it was against her better judgment.

How does the day get so away

Nov. 23rd, 2014 01:01 am
wanderlustlover: (Religion: Temple: Lord Blue - magic_art)
[personal profile] wanderlustlover
I had so many plans for today, and ideas that it was going to mostly be nothing. Laying. Lounging.

Instead my Art's Meetup over for the Holiday Clay Fair was canceled due to inclement weather, so I decided to go get my oil changed. It's only something like five thousand over when the light turned on. I made faces as the price kept racking up but I got my oil changed, my tires rotated, and my wipers replaced. I remind myself to take deep breaths overtime I have to put this, and everything for November/December on my credit card.

Four more weeks and my paycheck will resemble something not suffocating me slowly.
(I remain nothing but grateful that it is my only main struggle, and that my job is joyful now.)

It took an hour and half at the car place, but I really didn't notice. I'd made the choice to take my laptop, use the new iPhone upgraded hotspot from my phone, for my laptop, and to work on the beginning of The RCG Retreat trio of posts, that will hopefully get done by midweek.

I ended up pushing my plans with my mother earlier, and we did all the Thanksgiving shopping at three different locations of her choosing, in the vastly down pouring rain. I helped her unload once in the middle, and during the second half we even had a lunch of sushi out. I went home with the plan to nap for an hour and write for an hour. Instead I napped for two and some change to the sound of the rain pouring.

Then I headed back to my parents, because they now live less than ten minutes from me, for a celebratory spaghetti and wine dinner. Celebrating the being informed I'd been/be being hire eight days ago, and the official HR call on Wednesday. Along with really everything. The fact it didn't move me, and I'm keeping my kids, and I love everything about my classes, my co-teacher, the two different clubs I'm backing, the friend who got me this job, the people I work with.

The world turned into the worst parts of the crazy pouring rain as I stayed there and helped my mother check all the specs on both of her computers for being ready for the classes she starts soon. It wasn't too hard to do, and I marked down all the things to follow, before heading home again. I'm still working on making this place look beautiful six months later.

But the last six months have been nothing short of brutal and at some point I may write a locked post so I can cover it once and only have to nod toward it from time to time. But it continues to be a grace to come home and want to do things. To be putting things on the walls, and figuring out how to move things to fit my tree, or deciding on a small tree for the dinning room table.

I should be sleeping now, even. I went to bed intending to sleep.

Made it through checking my entry, that I had to post while running out the door to dinner. Sent out the secret swap recipients for the first YuleSwap a friend and I are running together. Paid all my bills, and watched my entire paycheck for the month vanish in less than twenty hours since it got to me. Cleared up and off my entire mac desktop to go better with my new desktop, and so the clutter stops hamstringing me. Checked more things off my to - do list.

More tomorrow. So much more. With the entry writing, and the wall hangings, and the several meetings. But more tomorrow, as this is only day one of my nine day Thanksgiving holiday from teaching (which is even more blessings that come with the job). All my love, and more to come.

We have reached that part of the year

Nov. 22nd, 2014 07:37 pm
batwrangler: Just for me. (Default)
[personal profile] batwrangler
Where I need to start greasing my hands religiously or they will become painfully chapped and stay that way until spring. It also means I can/should start wearing my Totoro mittens (<3 <3 <3) again.

This morning I did some remedial housework and then went back to the dog show (sans puppy) to watch the Briards. Commiserated with another photographer ringside about the indoor lighting, and confessed that by dint of much soul-searching, I am learning to embrace grain: the point really is reference photos, not art.

2014 RCG Fall Retreat - Day I of III

Nov. 22nd, 2014 06:08 pm
wanderlustlover: (Religion: Brilliance to Light - e-mily)
[personal profile] wanderlustlover


Goddess of Mystery, cloak me in your magic veil
Avalon is calling, waiting for the mist to rise
Come be the magic on the isle of mystery


2014 RCG Fall Retreat



Going into this retreat I did not know what to expect more than “it will be about the journey to/through Avalon,” but as someone who with an endless love for Arthurian Legend, who dedicated to Morgaine in her early twenties, it’s been a nice thing to know was coming. Even when anything nice on the horizon was still something I was (am) learning to have trust in again.

Friday )
ar: Evey Hammond in V for Vendetta (film) walks away from the camera on a road in London. (vfv - the city at sunrise)
[personal profile] ar
Since I'm still shit about using this anymore, but I don't want people to be completely in the dark.

1. My car was impounded for a while. To make a long story short, it was my fault and I deserved it, but it was still extremely expensive to live without it and then to get it back out. It sucked.

2. While I was living without said car, I broke my ankle in several places. I had surgery on it a week and a day ago (it happened on the tenth, the first big snowthing up here, and apparently I was the first break of the day, sigh). It still hurts, but at least I know everything's back in the right place. (Well, I hope it is, anyway. Lol.) Because of it, I won't be able to go to Thanksgiving with my family, and I don't know whether I'll be able to go to Christmas. We'll just have to see.

3. We took the car to the shop immediately after we got it out of hock, and it's still there pending auto insurance fuckery. I can't even begin to deal with it until Monday, though, so I'm trying to keep it out of my mind.

4. I still don't have a new job, and I obviously can't work now. I'm working on it, but the last week, I've either been high on painkillers or in pain. I haven't even finished a book since the accident, and considering I've read close to 400 this year, that's pretty bad. :/

So basically, things have been hard lately. I'm trying not to be down, though. Which is also hard, but you have to try, right? That's how things go, and you just gotta...well, you know. :D I'm thankful for everyone who's helped me through all this; I'm fortunate to have people who care about me, and I need to focus on that.

Also, hey, remaining V for Vendetta people on my flist: I'm working on something (crazy, I know), and I'd love it if someone would be willing to beta for me when I've got it drafted into something workable. I'll happily trade you some betaing in the future--or whatever else. ♥

Lost in Life

Nov. 22nd, 2014 08:13 pm
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
[personal profile] lea_hazel
Things I accomplished today: zero.

Okay, that's a lie. I swept the floors and did a whole bunch of house chores. There was a lot of dust. Disquietingly much. Not really sure how to handle things like dust accumulating on top of the closet. I still need to make the bed, preferably now and not at eleven thirty when I just want to fall into bed and sink into sleep.

Work has kind of eaten all my energies. My preoccupation revolves around getting house chores done, motivating myself to get to work early (so that I don't have to leave very late), keeping up with work and not getting bored... A little free time goes to reading and writing. Mostly passive stuff, very little in terms of words on paper.

And I keep having to convince myself not to play the list-of-things-to-accomplish-on-the-weekend game. It only leads to playing five straight hours of Skyrim and then feeling guilty as hell. I work, I need rest, that's totally reasonable.

And somehow blogging stops being something that I do to help myself focus, and becomes another thing to manufacture artificial guilt for. Most of my writing energy, I suppose, goes into my daily pages at 750words.com. Those have been pretty consistently helpful.

I am still afraid that I don't know how to live.

And With That, It Comes To A Close

Nov. 22nd, 2014 10:29 am
calliopes_pen: (taibhrigh Clue butler buttles)
[personal profile] calliopes_pen
I'm reasonably certain that my Yuletide fanfic has reached a natural ending point, and that I'm going to resist the urge to throw in a long epilogue. The next step is to read it over two more times for issues before I send it on to my first beta reader. When that's done, I'll check the beta reader list at Yuletide, and see if anyone mentioned this fandom. As of the last I checked a few days ago, they hadn't.

How long is it? 17,338 words.

Early holiday

Nov. 21st, 2014 10:24 pm
batwrangler: Just for me. (Default)
[personal profile] batwrangler
I took the day off from work, went to a dog show with the puppy, and hung out with friends. It was both very low-key and very enjoyable. And there was (extremely good) homemade soup for dinner.
ursamajor: people on the beach watching the ocean (Default)
[personal profile] ursamajor
post-tags: instagram, crosspost Two jerks on the #mbta begging for nutcrackers from fellow commuters.

This Is Unexpected

Nov. 21st, 2014 08:42 am
calliopes_pen: (chomiji Chinese Yuletide gift candle)
[personal profile] calliopes_pen
I just did a comparison between the current word count for my Yuletide fanfic this year, and the one I wrote for last year. I have surpassed last year’s total without meaning to.

A comparison:
Blood Begets A Curse Anew: 14,129 words
This year’s story: It’s currently at 14,610 15,034 words, before I alter the beginning.
wanderlustlover: (Default)
[personal profile] wanderlustlover



The far away, full shot.


The close up.



A tiny preview of the great, long post to come. This was one of the biggest epiphinaitic moments of my recent RCG retreat last weekend. Seeing this picture in my hand. It's meant so much -- both to that weekend, and the journey I have ahead with the challenges I can name and the promises I have made, because of seeing it, and realizing -- that it's become my lock screen and my main Facebook.

I may need to finally make another icon of myself. I have so much to say about it, so much I need to do and work on. But I run my finger and my mind over it silently. Pleased, and nervous.

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