erika: Text: my life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. (words: cast but no plot)
[personal profile] erika
So Monday: County attorney calls. Find out Josh has a lawyer and he's expensive; never good news. Doctor's appt. He wrote me the most supportive doctor's note I've ever seen.

Tuesday: Gave Aidyn and the ferrets back to Josh, via his lawyer.

Wednesday: Hearing for the Civil Protection Order. Find out Josh has hired a lovely victim blaming costly lawyer. Am amused (because so much evidence, you think I was born yesterday?), but also furious.

Thursday: ~~~lalala fairies or packing or something~~~

Friday: Went back to work and begged for something; am starting in a two-hours-a-week supervised position. Thank god.

Saturday: ~~~packing~~~ talked to my parents. They're keeping the cats. Anyone want a cat?

Sunday: cast rehearsal!

I don't talk about grief.

May. 3rd, 2015 11:42 am
wanderlustlover: (Heart You Need: Sad - enriana)
[personal profile] wanderlustlover
It's not a thing I do. I'm a survivor. It's one of those steel core thing I know. I'm a survivor of a lot of truly terrible things, and it's made it simple to walk through minor grief and heartbreaks of my life knowing "this is never as bad as watching your baby sister die of cancer for thirteenish years," or living your life like it was normal "after your mother was admitted long term to the psyche ward."

These things put your life into a context. One your mind can accept. One you can process. One that keep you moving forward, working through the list of things you have to do. The things you have no choice but to do, because beauracy and red tape only has so many seconds for you to not be doing them.

I don't talk about grief. It's not a thing I do. Until I do. Until something knocks it loose. Today it was a exquisitely well written episode of a tv show all about grief, and about the loss of someone you love, and all the different ways that can hit you. That boulder sitting weight as air and heavy as twelve mountains on my lungs if I just dare to look at it. If I just dare not to busy.

Today I am 32. Today my father has been dead exactly a month. Today I'm sitting on my couch crying on my birthday. I had an amazing birthday party last night, with people who love me. I even have good things, with dear loved ones planned for the next seven hours. But I'm sitting on my couch crying, because my father died. I don't talk about grief. It's not a thing I do. Until I do.

I've cried only a handful of times. Probably less than twelve times than in last thirty days. Which is still nine or ten times more than I cried when I was thirteen and my sister died. I was nearly five years into not crying by then, and it took me about eight years before I could even get enough faith in my friends to start breaking myself of that habit. Crying is still a thing that is hard.

I cried the first time, the night I heard, nearly an hour after being told, when I realized suddenly and tragically, so suddenly I couldn't breathe, just how much faith I had in the fact I was going to get fix things with my father someday. Not today, maybe not this year. But Gordon and I hated each other all through my childhood and that was never going to happen, neither of us wanted it. And seventeen years later, we have a relationship and my stepfather hugs me goodbye and wants to know how my job is and to see me and to take care of me in the wake of this grief.

And I just started crying so hard as I realized the last page in my book with my father is about estrangement, lies, abandonment, keeping my family from me/me from them and missed connections. It still hurts so much to know I can't fix that. It's this hole in my heart that I keep sitting on the ground and giving to the universe. To Shakit's 'let it go' jar on my mantle from the RCG path the weekend right after it all happened.

Because I know all it can do is sit there, as a heavy weight, and I can't fix it, because no one will ever be here to fix it with.

I found my bear, my Harmony, the one given to me the Christmas after my sister died, one month before my father died. I thought it had been lost for over six years, and suddenly there it was. My father wasn't supposed to die yet. Everyone says that. But there's so much pressure on the yet more than anything else. Not on the my father wasn't supposed to die.

We found out in the fall he had mass in his throat, and that he'd been hiding a diagnosis of COPD from all of us. He was supposed to have four or five years. We were supposed to have four or five years. All of us, together, there was time. We got five months. They called us about his body being found in the middle of a birthday part for one of the nephews.

The last month has been a rollercoaster of horrors and compassion that I've processed one day at a time. Only one day at a time. The squalor of his apartment, with trash piled half to the ceiling, and drawers of cigarette boxes that showed he'd been smoking like a chimney since getting out of chemo earlier this year. The walls we had to use toxic bleach on because of the level of tar.

Fielding everything that was everything because I am the closest genetic heir and it means there's 85% of stuff only I can do. And I need the agreements of the the other three. My two older brothers in California, whom he abandoned when the oldest was ten. And the adopted stepsister in Kansas, whom was the favorite of all of us. There's no will, and the world of death is made of red tape an many dollar signs.

I'm only beginning to get forwarded mail with his name on it in mailbox daily now.

I cried during the funeral. During the twenty-one gun salute. And when they handed me a flag, thanking me for him. But not while I sat there, thinking about the fact at some point in not-too-near (hopefully) future I'll have three of these. My mother has my sister's in a shadow box in her house, and one day it, and the one that my mother earned, will both come to me. And then my whole family will be in flag shadow boxes.

I'll be the only one who isn't a flag shadow box ever.

The funeral was good. The wake was good. Everything involving my siblings has been truly amazing. We've all done so much with and for each other during this. I've had them all hanging out my house. The first weekend all we did was hangout at my place, watching Babylon 5 in his honor and eating food, because we could not do anything until Monday and no one wanted to be alone and no one could really handle other people, who didn't understand.

I don't talk about grief. It's not a thing I do. I'm a survivor. There have been checklists to run through nearly everyday for my father. Which does not even begin to take into account everything I've had to do for my normal life. For my job. My teaching observation from my principal was 8 am the morning after the funeral.

I had one week of proctoring, and 4 ARDs, and 3 field trips. It doesn't count my religious group meetings, or the meetup I'm running, or the meetup I have an interview to become a co-runner of local chapter of an international women's travel organization. The continual heavy lifting weight training I'm doing at the gym.

Every day I run the gamut of being both happy with the life I'm living and strung up with a stress, anxiety and grief that is pressing down on my like a boulder I can't quite see, or feel, or get my hands around. It's no wonder I let myself fallen into a new writing thing, and then into a world of comics, and then into making icons. Direction and monotony that marks itself as directive distraction.

My birthday is today. Today I am 32. Today my father has been dead exactly a month. I was so confused this week the closer my birthday party, and my birthday got. I lost all of April. My sister's birthday didn't even register on the 15th for hours longer than normal. My sister died on my father's birthday in October. My father died 12 days before my sister's birthday. My father's funeral was 12 days after my sister's birthday and 12 days before mine.

I don't talk about grief. It's not a thing I do. I'm a survivor. I

've survived a lot of things. I don't even question that I'll survive this.

I'm almost actually thankful I've been on medication for eight months for things I, also, don't talk about much. But my birthday is today. Today I am 32. Today my father has been dead exactly a month. And all I know is that all of these things are true, and that I'm walking in and out of crying, for the first time since the funeral, on my couch for something I can't fix and someone I still miss for being gone even though he hadn't yet gotten back to being here..
wanderlustlover: (Default)
[personal profile] wanderlustlover
The Mathematics & Breakdown )



My 2015 Growth Card: The Chariot

Achieving victory, focusing intent and will, establishing an identity, self-confidence, maintaining descipline, assuming the reins of power and authority. Traveling or moving. Spiritual transformation. Conquest, victory and overcoming opposition through your confidence and control. Universal symbols of change and causation. Changes in family and the home. Career changes and advancements.



Affirmations:
I am responsible for what I cause
I accomplish things effortlessly and well
I stimulate and motivate others positively
I enjoy the combination of quietude and activity





Growth Card Cycle's Breakdowns & Cycle Sets )

Breaking down all of my life so far. There are the years, the numbers they add up to (plus parenthesis if the number was over 12. Then inside the brackets is the Growth Card for each of the years. Now what I'm most curious about is learning more about what these cycles mean.

1982: (19 =) 10 [19/The Sun]
The Judgement Cycle
(Ages 1-2)
1983: (20 =) 2 [20/Judgment]
1984: (21 =) 3 [21/The World]
The Emperor Cycle
Creative/Leadership Cycle

(Ages 3 to 8)
1985: (22 =) 4 [The Emperor]
1986: (23 =) 5 [The Hierophant]
1987: (24 =) 6 [The Lovers]
1988: (25 =) 7 [The Chariot]
1989: (26 =) 8 [Justice]
1990: (27 =) 9 [The Hermit]
1991: (28 =) 10[Wheel of Fortune]
The High Priestess Cycle
Creativity/Self-Sufficiency or Individuation Cycle

(Ages 9 to 18)
1992: 2 [The High Priestess]
1993: 3 [The Empress]
1994: 4 [The Emperor]
1995: 5 [The Hierophant]
1996: 6 [The Lovers]
1997: 7 [The Chariot]
1998: 8 [Justice]
1999: 9 [The Hermit]
2000: 10[Wheel of Fortune]
2001: 11[Strength]
The Empress Cycle
Creative/Venus Cycle or your Path of Heart

(Ages 19 to 28)
2002: 3 [The Empress]
2003: 4 [The Emperor]
2004: 5 [The Hierophant]
2005: 6 [The Lovers]
2006: 7 [The Chariot]
2007: 8 [Justice]
2008: 9 [The Hermit]
2009: 10 [Wheel of Fortune]
2010: 11 [Strength]
2011: 12 [The Hanged Man]
The Emperor Cycle
Creative/Leadership Cycle

(Ages 29 to ?)
This symbol and The Chariot are major symbols of change and new beginnings in the entire Tarot system. During Emperor years, individual attempts to own their own leadership; may start new projects; become leaders, directors, or have important responsibilities; may take a major trip or travel; resolve issues conceding fatherhood or with their own father or male authority figures; learn about moving in new directions from an Aries person; may start a business or creative project on one's own; interest in visual arts or photography.

2012: 4 [The Emperor]
2013: 5 [The Hierophant]
2014: 6 [The Lovers]
2015: 7 [The Chariot]
batwrangler: Just for me. (Default)
[personal profile] batwrangler
by Mira Grant

A novella about deep-sea horrors, full of sympathetic characters that meet untimely ends.

Intern Maureen's Playlist

May. 2nd, 2015 03:03 pm
dreamwriteremmy: a silhouette of a female (A Lady)
[personal profile] dreamwriteremmy
Maureen: yeah, I know, this is mostly canon weather reports. I'll make a cover art and add lyrics later. Also this is in no particular order; I actually play it on shuffle mode.

Playlist )
ursamajor: people on the beach watching the ocean (Default)
[personal profile] ursamajor
post-tags: instagram, crosspost "Good through Labor Day." It's May 2 and I'm in the U.S. Bread that will still be "good" in 4 months sans freezer scares me.

Bagel line.

May. 2nd, 2015 01:44 pm
ursamajor: people on the beach watching the ocean (Default)
[personal profile] ursamajor
post-tags: instagram, crosspost Bagel line.

Catching up with the feathered ones

May. 1st, 2015 07:26 pm
yourlibrarian: Robin sits on her nest (NAT-Robin)
[personal profile] yourlibrarian
Have you missed our birdies? Well there's a full report below -- and we do have our first nest but it's a bit of a surprise this year. Read more... )

[meme] Friday Five 2015-05-01

May. 1st, 2015 04:11 pm
dreamwriteremmy: a silhouette of a male (A Gentleman)
[personal profile] dreamwriteremmy
[community profile] thefridayfive May 1st 2015

These are my personal answers. Not the ones for outworld. - Carlos

01. What is your favorite girl name?
Anabel

02. What is your favorite boy name?
Fortunato

03.How many sets of twins are there in your family?
None.

04. What's your favorite type of candy?
Candied lavender.

What genre do you like reading the most?
Toss-up between physics nonfiction and science fiction.

Star Trek: Best Canon Ever

May. 1st, 2015 12:29 am
scrollgirl: uhura; text: where no man has gone before (trek to boldly go)
[personal profile] scrollgirl
I've been re-watching DS9 from the beginning and took a brief detour into DS9 vids. I also watched a couple of Star Trek 40th anniversary vids that had me turning on the waterworks.

There's just something about this universe and these characters that never fails to stir up all my emotions. It's visceral.

Has there ever been a more thought-provoking SFF universe created? Even with its flaws, even when it has failed to live up to its potential, has there ever been a shared fictional world which has inspired us to dream bigger and work harder for a better tomorrow? I'd say no, unequivocally.

(This post was brought to you by Kira Nerys' fantastic character development and Avery Brooks saying, "Fuck it, I'm forcing Paramount to hire as many actors of colour as I possibly can.")

WEIRD WORLD

Apr. 30th, 2015 09:40 pm
ladyrelaynie: (Default)
[personal profile] ladyrelaynie
Jay from the Inbetweeners and Draco Malfoy

Tom Felton just posted this on his Instagram. Um, is that not the same actor being used for Justin's character? Now that's just a creepy creepy coincidence. Wonder if they know?

Travel Time

Apr. 30th, 2015 05:36 pm
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
[personal profile] lea_hazel
So, I am flying to a friend's wedding. I did all the arrangements last minute because I was half-convinced I'd be unemployed by now. My flight is late tonight, lands there early Friday morning. Meanwhile I am trying to stick to my lists and focus on the fact that I can live without virtually everything. This is my go-to strategy for situations where forgetting something is virtually guaranteed.

Continuing the Struggle

Apr. 29th, 2015 03:29 pm
yourlibrarian: Maria Hill (AVEN-MariaHill-isapiens)
[personal profile] yourlibrarian
1) Mad Men is finally going somewhere interesting in its last episodes. Read more... )

2) Granted it's in the NY Post but even so this comment seems especially clueless. Writing about "the sturdy series that don’t pretend to revolutionize TV" their comment on Castle was Read more... )

3) I was amused when watching the "making of" feature of The Imitation Game that a co-star commented on what a hot streak Cumberbatch was on, playing Sherlock, Stephen Hawking, and Alan Turing. Irony there, given that Hawking was played by the actor who beat Cumberbatch for the Oscar he might have gotten for playing Turing. (Presumably he'd meant Julian Assange)

4) Community continues to delight -- I'm enjoying this season as much as ever Read more... )

5) The anniversary season of Dancing With the Stars has had some memorable dances so far. For once, Derek Hough's numbers have not been among my favorites. Two of the latest were Riker's "Pirates of the Carribean" dance (not least because he was so clearly an enthusiastic Jack Sparrow fanboy), and the wonderful choreography Sharna Burgess came up with to feature paraplegic contestant Noah Galloway.




ursamajor: people on the beach watching the ocean (Default)
[personal profile] ursamajor
post-tags: instagram, crosspost #TFW you're too short for the remaining official bike parking. (@MBTA, you should have bought pull-down bike racks.)

And finally, a header.

Apr. 28th, 2015 09:20 pm
nikkiscarlet: Meiou Setsuna and Kaiou Michiru, from the Sailor Moon manga ([Sailor Moon] Setsuna and Michiru 01)
[personal profile] nikkiscarlet
I've gone . . . I don't know how many years telling myself I'd eventually get around to putting an image header on my journal, and then never did it. Until now! :D

I'd forgotten that the image I chose even existed, but I'd always loved it. I found it again via a snapshot of a text conversation someone had posted on Twitter, in which one of the conversants said of it, "JUST TATTOO THIS IMAGE ON MY EYEBALLS." And then they both carried on discussing how awesome and gorgeous the Outer Senshi are.

And then, because my old layout didn't QUITE look right with a header, I went ahead and got myself a new layout, too, though it's overall similar to my old one in a lot of ways. I was going to be very daring and actually use a background colour that wasn't black -- it was going to be light pink, like the header! -- but I . . . couldn't do it. ._. I've been using a black background since 2004, guys! 2001 if you count back before even the days of LiveJournal when I was quietly blogging away on Blurty because I couldn't get my hands on an invite code for LJ. :P I find black backgrounds easier on the eyes. Comforting. Cozy.

That having been said, though, it really did look a little nicer when I tried it with the pink background, so . . . I might switch back to that later if I can muster the courage to embrace that much change. :P But as it stands now, I think I managed to balance out the lightness of the header with the darkness of the entry backgrounds by using a blended texture for the page background. It's a recolour of the background image that came with my old layout.

I've also been working on getting all of my most-used Social Media profiles styled similarly, though I've foregone the pink on most other sites and left the header image black and white, as it was originally. This is mostly because places like Facebook and Twitter don't offer a lot of customization options, so I wanted it to blend well on predominantly white-and-blue websites. My current default user icon here (the one I'm using with this entry) is also my profile pic on those other sites. I wanted this consistency so that people looking for me across various platforms will know my profile on sight. :3

Of course, I do all this now, but I can see myself getting bored of this header/layout within like a month. But fortunately I'm lazy enough that I might not actually do anything about it for a further nine. :P

In other news, Danielle and I came back from Disney World this past Friday! I want to do a huge write-up on it but I haven't had the energy yet because we both got sick while we were there. @.@ But it was really wonderful other than that. Happiest I've ever been. Once she gets the image files sent my way (we used her camera for all pictures) I'll be able to review them which will hopefully keep me from leaving anything out in the write-up. I might include a few pictures in the post, too. :D

The trouble with days out

Apr. 28th, 2015 01:00 pm
cesy: "Cesy" - An old-fashioned quill and ink (Default)
[personal profile] cesy
I think this is particularly notable for both people with disabilities and parents of small children, but would be useful for many others.

I would love for there to be places in the middle of cities where you could go and relax for an hour in the middle of a busy day out. With sofas and heating and ideally a water fountain, wifi and power sockets, but just chairs and heating would be a start. So you could sit and read a book without taking up a seat in a noisy and busy restaurant or getting cold in a park, and rest your legs. And there would be cushions so you could put the kids down for a nap. And it would be obviously advertised for tourists. Then you can manage a much longer day out either side, when the place you're staying is a fair way from the day out venue and so not feasible to go back in the middle of the day.

Sitting in a coffee shop meets some of it but not quite. Maybe a public library would do? But they don't make it obvious. And parks are great in summer but it's too cold right now. There's Ziferblat in some cities, maybe?

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